He Became President

(Credit: Gage Skidmore, Flickr Creative Commons)

Today, Donald Jackass Trump (that’s what the “J” stands for, right?) officially – and depressingly – became the 45th President of the United States.

The ironic thing is he never really wanted to be President in the first place.

Like most things in his life, it was an offensive publicity stunt. Except this one spiraled out of control because after eight years of class, intelligence, and dignity in the White House, America said, “Enough of this madness. What we need is an unqualified, vulgar, dishonest, racist, hate-mongering, bigoted President who prides himself on his ability to sexually assault women and get away with it. Yeah, that’s what we need. For sure.”

Well, vocal minority of America, you got your wish.

#ThanksElectoralCollege

Now, had things gone to plan like they did in previous Presidential elections, he would have gotten some free press, increased the value of his brand (at least in his own mind), then bowed out of the race when his numbers got too low and thrown his support behind someone else.

But the problem was an army of screw human decency-Mexicans are the worst but not as bad as Muslims-eh, sexually assault ain’t that big of a deal-I’ll be damned if a woman is President-where’s my gun voters were standing ready to elect their messiah and Trump was more than happy to oblige. He could have gracefully bowed out when it became obvious things were getting out of his control, but he couldn’t because for Trump public affirmation is better than meth. Like waaayyy better. He got hooked on the stuff and daddy needs his fix…even it’s 3 o’clock in the morning.

It’s why when he should have been doing the normal president-elect thing and put together a new government, he instead went on a “Thank You Tour.” Cause daddy needs his fix and come January 20th, all that Presidenting crap is gonna get in the way.

Well, January 20th has arrived and our affirmation-junkie President is now officially the leader of the free world.

At least it’s free for now. We’ll have to wait and see what Putin tells Trump to do with all our unnecessary freedoms, you know, like the First Amendment and all that other non-sense in the Bill of Rights. Of course, somewhere in the Washington today, you just know Trump is thinking to himself, “You can repeal and replace the Bill of Rights, right? Or at least just repeal it?”

Anyway, Trump is President now and will be for the next thousand years.

I’m sorry. That should have said “the next four years.” It just feels like it’s gonna be a thousand.

But who knows? With any luck, maybe he’ll get himself impeached.

LOL. Just kidding!! With a Republican controlled Congress, he could literally shoot somebody in the middle of 5th Avenue and not be impeached…wait, where have I heard that before?

I know it’s scary, friends. I’m scared too. After all, Rick Perry is now in charge of our nation’s nuclear arsenal and the guy who never let a public slight go untweeted about, now has the legal authority to nuke whoever he damn well pleases.

Thankfully, as of publication time, America continues to exist, but the day’s not over yet. There’s still time for him to nuke us all because Rosie O’Donnell criticized him on Twitter.

Until the inevitable Trumpocalypse does destroy us all, HowDidTrumpScrewUpToday.com will be here as your never-thought-you-wanted-it, but now-you’re-stuck-with-it daily diary of all things Trump; chronicling his daily bad decision making, his sure to be egregious actions, and, of course, his obscenely offensive tweets. Because somebody needs to keep our new kleptocrat accountable and our Republican controlled Congress has already made it clear they have absolutely no interest in doing that.

So make sure to keep up with HowDidTrumpScrewUpToday.com by following @trumpscrewedup on Twitter, or liking How Did Trump Screw Up Today? on Facebook. Oh, and there’s an Instagram page to follow too, if you’re into that sort of thing.

And, of course, make sure to share this page with all of your friends and family, especially the ones who voted for Trump.

They need to be reminded every day of just who it is they voted for.